Author 




Title. 



Bo.k.M.aTl5 



Imprint 



PRICE,] 



[15 CTS. 



THE ACTING DRAMA, 



No. 50, 






THE RINGDOVES. 



NEW YORK! 

HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, PUBLISHERS, 

No. 1 Chambers Street. 



Qi FT 

EST. OF J. H. CORNING 
JUNE 20. 1940 



THE RIKGDOYES 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Royal Olympic, London. iSj7. 

Sir Harry Ringdove Mr. F. Matthews. 

Harry Ringdove " Charles Mathews. 

Moony " Jirougham. 

Hobnail. (A Plough-boy. J " Kerridge. 

Miss Longclackit Mrs. Orger. 

CtciLi A Miss Lee. 



Scene. — Si3 Hakky's Country House. 



TIME OF REPRESENTATION.— ONE HOUR AND EIGHT MINUTES. 



COSTUMES. 

Sir HaRRV Ringdove. — First dress : Bhie square-cut body-coat, white cord 
breeches, buff waistcoat, top boots, and black neckcloth. Second dress : White 
neckcloth, and white waistcoat, bouquet in coat. 

Harry Ringdove.— Light brown Newmarket coat, gray fashionably-cut trousers, 
and buff waistcoat, black satin neckcloth, brown Holland gaiters. 

Moony. — Green livery turned up with red, brown gaiters and shoes, white neck- 
cloth. 

Hobnail. — A plough-boy. 

Miss Longclackit.— White silk dress, trimmed with blond and white satin, white 
satin hat and feathers, white satin shoes. 

Cecilia. — White watered silk, trimmed with blond ; white lace veil, white satin 
shoes, 



THli: EtNGDOVES. 



PROPERTIES. 



Carpet down. Writing table with materials R, Bottle of Eati de Cologne nn 
table. Table l,. 'I'wo easy chairs. Si.x chairs. Lady's work table. A penny. 
Window curtains to window. Mantel. Looking glass over it. Sofa. Vases o{ 
flowers. Valise for a lady. Shawls. Wraps. White band-box. Large trunk. 
Basket of flowers. Two letters. £^ note. Bouquet. A certificate of marriage. 



SCENE. 

Exterior Backing RSL Mer/Of^ fff C . A^ 




A Drawing-Room Folding doors c. Windows R. and L. in flat Doors R. and 
1 .s.E. Tables and chairs as in diagram. A lady's work table, and several v.ases of 

flower.^. 



EXPLANATION OF THE SIAGE DIRECTIOX.- 



L., means first entrance left. R., fir^t entrance right. S.E.L., second entrance 
Ifft. S.E.K., second entrance right. U.K.L., upper entrance left. U.E.R., upper 
entrance right. T. E.L., third entrance left. T.E R., third entrance right. C, 
centre L.C., left of centre. R.C., right of centre. C.L., centre, towards left 
C.R., centre towards right. D.F., door in flat. L F., left of flat. R.F., right of 
flat. Observing you are supposed to face the audience. 



THE RINGDOVES 



ScKNE. — A Drawing-Tloom, Folding doors c. Tables and chairs in 
disorder. A ladij\s work-table, and several vases of flowers. 

Moony discovered in. an arm chair, counting money into a bag, Hobnail 
pntling tltefurnilwe in order. 

Moo. (L.) Tliree, fonr, five, six. I'll not make my fortuue this 
rear ; bad luck to me— lie that's born iiuder a tbree Lalfjjennj' planet, 
will never be worth twopence, and to save a fortnue out of fifteen 
ponnds and a liverj', och, murder ! it's like driving a windmill with 
a jiair of bellow^s. 

JLob. (u.) Please, Mr. Moony, I can't carry this table no ways. 

3Ioo. Ocl), the chicken ! why you're as tinder as Pat Couoliy's 
wife, who broke her finger with a custard. 

Hob. Oh, please Mr. Moonj', come and heli^ me. 

Jloo. AVhat! keep a dog and bark myself! 

Hob. I do all the work, and you get all the pay. 

3Ioo. And quite right too, I'm feared you're growing squeamish 
particular, all of a sudden, like the Dublin bay haddock, who couldn't 
.sleep without a rushlight. 

Hob. I wish I had one of them sixpences for all that, I think I 
could carry the table (hen. 

Moo. Come, Til be liberal for once, there's a penny for you. 

Hob. Oidy a penny after all! ( Pids table in place. ) Well, (hen, 
give me a glass of ale to make up. 

IFoo. Ale ! Hear the likes of that. I should have you as drunk 
as a wheelbarrow in five juinutes. Yom- little thick head couldn't 
even bear the strength of Kilkenny gruel, nine grits and a gallon of 
Mater, 



b THE r.INGDOVES. 

Sir Harry, (W'dhoul,!..) Moouy ! 

Moo. There's Sii" Hairy's voice, aucl the room not ready ; nxu 
Hobnail, he luustu't see you here. 

11 oh. ]iut, Moony, the ale ! 

Moo. Hold your tongue, or I'll comb your head with a joint stool. 

(Pualies Hobnail ofii ii. 

Sir IT. ( Withotti. ) Moony ! where are you, Moouy ? 

3Ioo. Your honor. 

Sir 11. What have yon done with my Eaii de Cologne? 

Moo. Your what. Sir Harry ? 

Sir II. My bottle of Eau de Cologne. 

Moo. Odor! what odor was it your — oh! is your honor meaning 
this physic i^hial run to seed. (From table v.. 

Sir 11. Yes, blockhead, where have j^ou hidden it? 

Moo. Here it's lying lull length ou your honor's writing table. 
That ever my old master should take to rubbing sweet waters over 
Lis parchment of a. skiu. "Well, I did think Sir Harrj' knew better 
than to go and run his head into the noose of wedlock at his time of 
life ; but he's about as wise us Waltham's calf, that rau uiue miles to 
meet the butcher. 

Eater Sie Habrt, l. 

Sir II. (Speaking as he enters.) There place the looking-glass 
there, and the vases ou each side, &c., &c. (Pours the Eau de Cologne 
into a cut glass hoille, from table E. ) Well, Moony ! the ladies are not 
returned yet I suppose ? 

Moo. (E. ) Devil a bit, j'our honor, wouldn't I have told you. 

Sir II. (l.) Have yoix taken that note to Mr. Surplice? 

Moo. I did, sir. 

Sir II. And did j'ou tell him that I wished the ceremony to take 
place punctually at six o'clock this evening in the drawing-room ? 

Moo. Sure, I did, sir, and I felt my heart tick like a clock for sor- 
row, all the way I went. Ah, dear Sir Harry, jewel, it's what I never 
would have thought of you ; sure you have as much occasion for a 
wife, as a gosling for a cork jacket. 

Sir II. Pshaw, Moony ! hov/ can you. be such an idiot, I'm as 
young as ever I was, and if I were as old as Methuselah, I suppose I 
am at liberty to marry if I please. 

J/oo. Och ! devil a doubt of that ; a jiig may whistle, only he lias 
an uncommon ugly mouth for it, that's ail. 

Sir 11. Moony I wish I could cure you of these uncouth sayings 
of yours ; you never open your lips without uttering an absurdity. 

Moo. Sure then, I'd better keep them shut altogether ; I'll stand 
like Mumphazard, who was hanged for saying notliiug. 

Sir 11. No, I don't want that, my good fellow ; on the contrary ; 
you are an old and confidential servant, and I like to hear your ob- 
servations, nay sometimes even am 'glad of your advice, only I would 
have you speak plainly like other people. 



THE RINGDOVES. f 

Moo. Troth, then, your honor, I'm feared I'm prist laruiug io 
speak auy other way now. I'm like the schoohiiaster of Balliimsloe, 
who could read out of no book but his own. Well, praise a wedded 
life, say I ; but keep a bachelor ; better half hanged than ill wed. 

Sir If. Ill wed ! granted. But look at the other side of the picture. 
Think of the bliss of possessing a careful little wife, always ready to 
anticipate your wishes, always near you 

Iloo. Yes ; like the whip at Bridewell, whether you will or no. 

t^ir 11. Pooh! stuff! 

jl/oo. Not to be got rid of at a day's notice, like poor old Mother 
Coddlepate. 

Sir }{. Now, Moon}', I'll not allow yon to mention that subject. 
If I choose to dismiss my housekeeper, Mrs. Coddlepate, it is my 
business after all. No — no— I have decided ; and where is the mau 
who wonld not, like me, exchange the society of a crabbed old despot 
for that of a sweet girl who loved him ? 

3foo. Yes, if she did. 

Sir IF. And doesn't she? Hasn't her aunt, Miss Lougclackit, as- 
sured me, that Cecilia dotes npon me. 

Moo. Is it her aunt you'd believe it from ? Faith, then I'd rather 
take a wink from the young lady herself, than all the nods iu the old 
lady's composition. There's two things can't be hid — love and a. 
cough. 

Sir IT. Whj', I confess, Moonj', I should prefer hearing it from 
Cecilia herself ; but from the eternal chatter of that overpowering aunt 
of hers, I have not been able to elicit the sweet avowal. 

3Ioo. Why don't your ax her the qtiestiou point-blank? Yon 
ma}' gape till j'oii are black in the face before a bird will fall into your 
mouth — I've an idea. Why not send for your nephew, Mr. Harry ? 

Sir II. Hush, Moony ! his very name terrifies me ! What good 
could he do me ? 

Moo. Sure I'm thinking he might lend you a hand iu j'our court- 
ing- 

Sir IF. You're an idiot ! What is mj' object iu wishing the mar- 
riage to be solemnized privately, but to prevent his hearing of it ! 

Moo. Well, your honor, it can't be helped now, so I'll just hold 
my tongue ; a spark has fallen among your old tinder, and the sooner 
the match comes the better. Besides, fancy's everything, you may 
swallow sawdust and think it flour if you like ; only I can't help re- 
membering that I've seen you pass some jolly days. 

Sir 11. And you will again, Moonj'. 

3Ioo. Well, sir, I've done. I've tried my best to stop you, but 
there's no gaping against an oven. 

(Miss Longci-ackit speaks loilhout k. 

Sir II. Hush ! hush ! Moony. I hear Cecilia's voice upon the 
stairs — that is— the voice of her aunt. - 

Moo. Oh, of course ! that's all you're likely to hear while Miss 
Lougclackit lives. She's always sputtering like a half drawn cork. 



8 THE EINGDOVES. 

Miss L. (Without.) Moouy'.Moouy! ( E)ilers icith Cecizix, a. 
MooNi goes backwards and forwards with the luggage. ) Take iu the 
(hiugs carefully ; don't turn the boxes topsy tnrvy. (]£xll Moony k. ) 
Well, Sir Harry, Low d'ye do again? We haven't been long, have 
we? Cissy, dear, say Low d'ye do again, to Sir Harry. She's de- 
lighted to see you, I can tell you. Keep tliat white bandbox upright, 
Moony, or you'll spoil all the caps. But, Sir Harry ! you don't say a 
word, or Cissy either ! Don't mind nie, talk away. And, above all, 
don't siiake tlie dressing-case, Moony, or the tooth-powder may get 
among the combs and brushes. I hope M'e're not late, but we've had 
so much to do ! Ah ! you naughty man, you've given us a deal of 
trouble ; but never mind, as I aay, you know my way ; I'm a woman 
of few words, but say what I mean ; and if the marriage do but please 
all parties, why we won'^, grudge the trouble. 

Sir II. (li.) Cecilia, love, you say nothing. 

Miss L. (c.) Say nothing! Ha ! ha ! why, what would the mau 
have ! don't I tell you she is delighted? 

Sir II. Yes, but perhaps if she were to 

Miss L. Yes, to be sure, quite right. TuU Sir Harry, my dear, 
how pleased you are ; you leave me to say everything. 

Cecilia, (it.) I am always happy, sir, iu • 

Miss L. Of course, of course, always happy, yau hear. She means 
by that, she's overjoyed at the match. Ah ! I wouldn't deceive you, 
not I. I'm a woman of few words, but they can alwaj^s be relied on. 

Sir II. Truly so ; I feel quite convinced — and yet — now don't ba 
oflfended — the assurance that Cecilia partakes my 

Miss L. Offended ! ha ! ha ! ha ! what an odd mau you are ! The 
idea of such a thing ! Come, Cecilia, my love, show Sir Harry we're 
not offended. 

Cec. I should be truly soiTy, sir, to 

Miss L. Of coui-se ; the thing stands to reason ; the poor child has 
nothing in the world, or next to nothing, while you, you know 

Cec. Oh, aunt ! (Ceciij.v goes up stage. 

Miss L. (Sils TS..C.) Nonsense, child! if you won't speak, I 
must ; it's no use mincing jnatters of this sort ; a clear understanding 
is everything ; for, as I say, to see two young people — that is, not too 
young — I mean — you know what I mean. 

Sir II. ( Sits Jj.c.) I tniderstand yonr meaning, pray don't ex- 
plain. If, in exchange for my heart and fortune, she but give me hap- 
piness. I shall be no loser by the bargain. 

Miss L. Charming! charming! Now that's what I call a bit of 
gallantry of the eld school. What did I say to you this morning — eh ! 
Cissy? I have done iiothiug all day but remind my niece of your 
virtues and rare qualities, and of the good fortune of possessing such 
a husband. 

Sir II. And what said Ceci-lia iu reply ? 

il//.s.s L. Nothing ! No, no ! 'Twould be a pretty thing indeed if 
my niece, who has been brought up according to my own rigid no 



THE EINGrOVES. 9 

lious of propriety, sboukl so far forget herself fis to tell n, man sbo 
love.l him. Goodness preserve me! There would be au end of the 
■world iiuleed. 

Sir IT. Oh, certaiulj' ; but surely such frankness towards a man 
iipou whom 

3Hss L. Oh ! I'm all for frankness, certainly, and I only wish you 
had heard what she said yesterday. We were talking 

Sir 11. Of me ? 

Miss L. Yes, touching the preference which ought to be given to 
a husband of a certain age, having experience, and 

Sir H. Didshesay tliat? 

Miss L. No ; it was J who said that. You must know, Sir Harry, 
my niece never thinks or speaks anything but what she is ordered to 
think and speak. lu her mother, her grandmother, and her great- 
grandmother's time, if an advantageous offer presented itself, the 
young lady was content to answer, ask papa, or ask mannna, sir ; 
then if papa and mamma consented, the obedient daughter dropped 
a courtesy, blushed, and even though she hated the man, faintly 
murmured, "l^es, sir." 

Sir H. But, thank Heaven, madam, we are not living hi her great 
grandmother's time now, and therefore do pray allow the dear girl lo 
speak for herself, I shall be content with a clear monosyllable, yes, or 
no. 

Miss L. (Severely. ) My dear, (Cecilia comes doion li.) come 
speak, don't be ridiculous ; isn't your aunt by your side? 

Cec. Yes. 

3fiss L. I'es ; you hear ! nothing can be clearer. 

Sir IT. It is true then. 

3fiss L. Cissy, my dear, give me a kiss, I am pleased with you, 
you know what that means. I am a woman of few words. (Cecilia. 
iceeps.) Poor girl, quite flattered, I declare; very natural, go to 
your room, deax', and compose yourself ; I just want a few words with 
iSir Harrj', and then I will join you. 

Sir 11. (Aside.) A few words! humph! Allow me, my deur 
Cecilia, my oxen Cecilia. ( Offers his liand, and leads her to the door 
of her aparlmeni, s.K.n.) Fol-de-rol-de-rol ; I'm the happiest of men, 
now that I am assured of my Cecilia's love ! scarcely anything is 
wanting to complete my bliss. I say, scarcely anything ; for after all 
I cannot help thinking of my poor devil of a nephew. 

Iliss L. (I- ) Ah ! that's tlie subject I was going to touch upon. 
Who is this nephew you are always talking of? 

Sir 11. (R.) If he Merc but once made acquainted M'ith my in- 
tended marriage 

2[iss L. Do you mean to say he is not then? 

Sir II. No, not yet ; he is in London, and I have taken e'^ery pre- 
caution to keep it a secret from him. 

Miss L. Well, I nmst say. Sir Harry, that your weakness on this 
point is quite revolting ; who ever heard of au yncle being afraid 



10 THE r.INGDOVES. 

of a Hcokliug from .1 uepbew? I only -vvisb he were my uephew, I'd 
jii«t \vi;ispei' a ftw words in his ear, f hat— 

iSlr H. I don"t doubt it, my de:ir madam ; but the fact is, when 
i!iy poor sister died, I promised her to be a father to lier boy, and 
leave him all I possessed ; how am I to tell the poor fellow, I've dis- 
inherited him ? 

J/^'.s.s' L. He must know it sooner or later. 

Sir 11. Oiic3 married, I shall cast off all fear ; but till then I live 
in drend of his popping upon me unawares ; it is more than a mouth 
since I heard from him. 

Misfy L. There can't be a better reason for writing to him, and so 
slipping in a word or two about your marriage. 

Sir II. I grieve to destroy the poor boy's hopes. 

Miss L. Pooh ! he'll soon get over it, l)esides, this inordinate love 
for your nephew, really is a bad compliment to your intended wife, 
he seems to be all in all to yon, you refuse him nothing, his expenses 
are exorbitant. 

Sir II. To be sure they are ; whj', if I didn't send him money I 
should have him comin,' to ask for it. 

IlL-is L. Then write— half a dozen lines in the post and there's an 
end of it. 

Sir II. Do yon think so ? 

Hiss L. If you delay any longer. I'll write to him mj'self. 

Sir II. Well there^dou't be so hasty — I'll do it. 

Miss L. Instantly ; here are pens, ink, and paper, (goBS io table, 
v.E.ij.) and while you despatch that business, I'll go and make up 
the bouquets — put myself to rights, and fifty thousand little matters 
—all shall be ready, I warrant— but there— you can't write I suppose 
while I talk, so I'll leave you — now mind — short and decisive — few 
words^you know my maxim. Now I'm gone — indeed I couldn't stay 
if I would, for I have a few words to say to Cissy — Cissy niy dear, I'm 
coming — good bye, for the present. Here I am, my darling, I could 
not come before. I was just saying a few words to 8ir Harry — and in 
your mother, your grandmother, and your great-grandmother's time — 

(Exit, iullcing, s.e.b. 

Sir II. Pheugh ! thank Heaven that woman is gone. I shall be 
glad to get married, if only to free myself from hev eternal chatter, 
now then to write to Harry. 

Elder MooNr, e. 

3Ioo. Sir Harry! (Aside.) Ocb, murder! how will I tell him? 

Sir IT. Some one to disturb me — so nmch the better — what is it, 
jMoony ? 

3Ioo. A young man, sir, wishes to speak with you, (aside) he'll 
be abottt as welcome as water in one's shoes. 

Sir II. A young man ? (Jumping up. ) Do you know him ? 

3I00. Know him? Is it know him you mean? He says he wishes 
to give you an agreeable surprise. 



THE mXGDOTES. 



11 



Sir 11. An agreeable BUrpiise. I'm in a cold shiver . Show him 
up. 

Moo. Show liim np ! there's no need of that ; he's rnuniug all 
over the house after yon— ('aside; when lie sees who it is he'll be 
about as happy as a live tisli in a bag of cinders. (Exit e- 

Siv 11. Pooh, why should I be alarmed? it can't be - 

JIar. ( Without k. ) Hollo ! governor. 

Sir II. It is, it's Harry, as I live ! I shall drop. 

Har. (Without.) Hollo ! governor ! where are yon, governor? 

Elder Haeey, c. 

Hnr. Ah! ah! I've fomul j'ou at last, bow are yon? AVhy, old 
gentleman, let me have a good look at yon ; how yon are changed ! 

Sir 11. (v. , alarmed. ) Changed ! what in a few months ? 

liar. (i>. ) I congratulate yon ! so npright, so smug, so dandified ! 
If you go on at this rate, you'll soon be as yonug as myself. 

Sir II. Oh, yon mean changed for the better ! that's another thing. 
Yes, thank my stars, I'm hale and hearty. 

Har. To be sure you are, that's what it is to be a bachelor ; yon 
pass yonr life free from care, free from domestic broils, eh, governor? 

(Nnd'jes liiiii. 

Sir II. ( Affedinij to laugh , and nudfje in return. ) To be sure, to 
be sure. (Alside.j Come, 1 see he suspects nothing. And liow do 
yon do ? 

liar. I say, nnuky, how's old mother Coddlepate, ey— ey— ey? — 
sly dog. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! yon wag, yon will have yonr joke, the iioor old 
Boul is not hei-e at present ; but you must be hungry — Moony ! 

( Calling. 

Har. Hey, not here ! what, yonr nurse, your butler, cook, house- 
maid, housekeeper, major domo, not here? 

Sir II. She has been unwell of late ; she's very old yon know. 

Har. That's true, she is very old, about yonr own age I think. 

Sir II. ( Winces. } And — did yon come on horseback ? 

Har, And — what? why. surely vou have never had the heart to 
turn the jioor old soul adrift ! 

Sir II. AVho, 1? What an idea! (Aside.) He pricks me to 
death with red-hot needles. (Aloud.) She's only gone on a short 
visit to her relations. Moony ! confound you, where are you ? 

Har, I'm iu no hurry, uncle. I want to have a little chat with 
J on. What has come to the old boy? he is out of his wits. (Sits i,. 

Enter Moomy, e. 

Moo. ^Vas yonr honor calling ? 

Sir H. Calling indeed, you are always an hour cominj? when one 
wants yon ; put some luncheon iu the diuiug-room directly ! 

Har. And iu the meau time, Moony, I'll smoke one of the gover- 
nor's Begars. 



12 THE RINGDOVES. 

Moo, Is u Gef;ars ? 

liar. "Why what makes you stave? 

Sir jr. How uiilacky I haven't oue in the house ! have I, Moony? 

J)/()o. Devil a one ! 

Har. No segars ! 

Sir 11. You must know I've given up smoking some time since. 
Go, Moonv, do, aiul get lunch ready as 1 tell you. 

Moo. Yes, your honor. (Aside.) A nice visit this for my ould 
master ; lie is in luck to-day. (Exit K. 

ILir. Given up smoking — can I believe my ears — but mercy on 
me — now I look at you again, why you are the very pink of fashion ! 
vdu who always poked about iu a sort of butterman's jacket and 
shooting gaiters, oue would suppose you were dressed for a steeple- 
chiisc or a conutyball. 

Sir U. Hey — no- -nothing remarkable — it's market daj' that's all, 
and onii lilces to be a little— but I have been anxiously expecting you 
tLi-i moutli past— I've been quite uneasy about you I 

//'((•. Dt-nr old uncle, always affectionate ; but upon my life I can't 
liel[) lonliiiig at you ; you've frizzled up your wig somehow. Why, 
gcHjdut-ss preserve me J can I believe my eyes ! (Looking at hack of 
his hen, I.) You've cut it off! 

Sir K Cut what off? 

lL(r. Whatever have you done with it? 

Sir IT. With what? 

Har. That dear, darling little pet of a pigtail. 

Sii- II. Oh, I don't know ! It was so troublesome, always getting 
uii<ler the collar of one's coat. 

II (v. How very odd ! No Mrs. Coddlepate ! — no pigtail ! I can't 
fancy you at all, most degenerate, most iniuatural uncle ! 

(S7;' JI. When you have done analyzing me from head to foot 

ILir. Stop ! stop ! — let me enjoy my surprise ; your very liouse is 
no longer to bo recognised ; the stark-staring old wainscot walls have 
been papered and paiuted, and curtained and pictured, and mirrored, 
till the old mansion looks like a fairy palace. 

Sir II. (Aside.) Every word is a dagger ! The thing is soon ex- 
]ilained. As a man gets older, he is more inclined to be sociable, to 
see a few friends and neighbors about him. 

Jlar. That's right ! it does my heart good to see you enjoy your- 
self. Believe me, my dear imcle. I have no selfish feeling in me ; 
to see you canter merrily through a green old age is lar more gratify- 
ing to me, than to inherit the riches of Crcesus ! 

Sir JI. Poor boy ! 

II ir. Indeed I thought the best use I could make of your last re- 
mil tance was to post down here to thatdc you for it. 

Sir II (Aside.) A remittance made for the sole purpose of pre- 
venting the visit ! 

Ilir. There, we've had sentiment enough ; so give me a pinch of 

BUUff! 



THE JUNGDOVEf, 13 

Sir 11. A pinch of 

liar. Your suiiff, governor, yonr snnff. 

Sir II. What do you indulge in that horrid habit still ? 

liar. Now nnd then, out of other people's boxes. I know I can 
always rely npou a pincli from yon ! 

Sir 11. Nonsense, Harrj' ; I will not encourage yon, I've renounced 
it myself altogether. 

liar. Given np snnff too ! 

Sir 11. I was just writing to you to inquire what had become of 
you — you were to have been here a month ago. (Aside.) I daren't 
touch upon the subject for my life. 

Har. Why, in fact, I did set out, but I was detained at Harrow- 
gate — a little adventure. (Aside.) I daren't tell him yet. 

Sir II. An adventure, you rogue ; a lady in the case— eh ? 

Har. I own it, uncle : a young lady, the most delightful — 

Sir II. Of course— of course — the old story. So nuich the better, 
jny dear boy, and if you have made up your mind to many — why — 

Har. I marry? (Aside.) The old i'ox wants to worm it out of 
me. (Aloud.) No, no— not I ; I'm in no hurry — a flirtation, noth- 
ing more. 

Sir II. (Aside. ) How shall I manage to get rid of him ? 

Har. But we shall have plenty of time to tixlk the matter over, for 
I'm come to stay a week with you. 

Sir H. (Aside.) The deuce he is ! I'm ruined ! 

Har. But you don't seem i>leased ? 

Sir II. Oh, yes, I am. 

Har. Well, it is rather shabby after so long an absence ; come, I'll 
make it a mouth. 

Sir H. My dear Harry, yoii know 

Har. Governor ! there's something ou your mind ; I'm certain 
there is. Come, come, surely you have no mysteries with me ? If 
yoti have, I'm off at once. 

Sir II. (Aside.) I wish he were. (Aloud.) The fact is, my 
dear boy, I'm iu a most embarrassing situation. 

Iltr. What has happened? 

Sir H. 1 have just received a letter from town. 

Har. No bad news, I hope ? 

Sir H. (Aside.) Tlie case is desperate, so here goes. I'm sorry 
to say, very bad ; my bankers, Jlessrs. Dabble, Smash, & Co. 

Har. Yes, I know them. 

Sir II. In whose haudw I liave cash to the amount of nine thousaiul 
pounds are on the point of stopping payment. 

Har. Thunder ! that's bad indeed ! 

Sir H. There's not a moment to be lost, and I am at my wit's end. 
I cannot undertake so long and rapid a journey myself, and not hav- 
ing any confidential person who could transact the business for me— 

Har\ What, liuuky ? No confideutial persou wheu I am uear 
you ? 



14 -THE r.IN'ODOVES. 

Sir II. Dear Harry ! how could I ask j'oii, so recently arrived to- 
Ifur. Noiiseuse ! Isu't your iuterest at stake ! and wouldn't I fly 
over half the world to save your little finger from aching? 

Sir II. (A.mle.) Coufouud his noble spirit! I leel like an old 
rasc;d. 
j Ilir. Come, governor, quick ! my credentials ! 
! Sir II. Plarry, Harry ! I'ou're u good boy, I accejot your oifer. 
''Aside.) It goes against nie, but it's my only chance. (Aloud.) 

I'll scribble a line to empower you to act for me, and 

ILir. And in five nunutes I am off. 

Sir R. (Aside.) I'll get rid of him at any rate. 

(Ooing s.ki,. Moony crosses from ii. (o s.e.b., with a shaio] 
and parasol. 
Ilnr. Hollo ! I say, governor ! 
Sir 11. What's the matter? 

H'lr. What on earth has Moony got there, a shawl and parasol ! 
Sir H. (Aside.) Confound that stupid blockhead ! Who, Moony? 
Moo. ( Comhuj forward. ) Your honor ! did you call ? 
Sir II. Go to tiie devil. 

Moo. I was going, sir. ( Gives sliawl and parasol Into door s.'e.'r. 
Aside. ) He's in a nice quandary ; serve him right — if your head's 
made of butter, don't be a baker. (Rcit v.. 

Ha: Wliy, uncle, you never told me you had women in the house. 
Sir II. AVomeu, indeed ! I never thought about it — a lady of the 
neighborhood — she is going away by one of the coaches, and as they 
pass my door 1 offered her the convenience of waiting here for it, 
that's all. 

Har. Ay, convenient enough— is she young ? (Nudges him. 

Sir H. Oh ! ha ! ha ! ha ! young enough to be my grandmother, 
you rogue — what, you will have your joke at your poor old uncle's 
expense — young indeed, ha! ha! ha! But come —no trifling — to 
business, I'll be back in two minutes. (Aside.) Pheugh ! if he 
doesn't go soon I shall choke with my own lies. (Exit s.e l. 

Har. Uncle of mine, there's more than meets the eye in all this. 
I half suspect this banker business to be only a ruse to get me out of 
the way — there's a woman in the case beyond a doubt. The old house 
bedizened from head to foot— my old uncle himself ditto, ditto — a 
shawl and a parasol— no Mrs. Coddlepate — no snuff, no segars, no 
pigtail; all proofs presumptive. Eh! what have Ave here? a lady's 
work-table — proof positive! the old fox! Hang me if I didn't sus- 
pect as much — poor old jMother Coddlepate has been removed for 
some buxom J'oung wench — that scourge of old bachelors, a servant- 
mistress ! But where can she be? I must have a bit of fan with the 
tender couple ! Here comes Moony, I'll pump him a little. 

Enter Moony, r., loiih a large trunk and a haskd of flowers. 

Moo. (R.) Well, next time they come, I liope they'll bring a jack- 
ass of their own. ( Puts i) unk and flowers into door s.e.k. 



THE RINGDOVES. 15 



]£(r. (l. ,i SIoouj', my fioG fellow, Lave you (akeii aiuity her 
shawl au(l parasol ? 

3loo. Auiity ! 1 dou'tuuderstaudyoit, Ml'. Harry. (Aside.) Now, 
docs he know or is he ouly lishiiig? 

ILu: Oh ! you needn't look so profound — I know all about it. 

Moo. You don't mean it? — well ! I never thought the ould gentle- 
man would have had the cournge to confess, 

liar. (Aside.) I'm on the right scent. Come, come, tell me all 
about it. 

31oo. Sure, if you know all about it, Avhat need I tell you more ! 
That's what I call a puzzler ; I'm too prudent for you, Mr. Harry. 

JIar. Naj', the particulars, the particulars, I'm sure they must be 
droll ; how did he ever manage to pop the question? 

Moo. That's what I never could make out, I suppose it was in a 
moment of iuadvertance like. 

JIar. (Aside. ) 'Tis then as I suspected. 

Moo. I say. BIr. Harry, has the ould gentleman shown yoix his in- 
tended? 

liar. His intended? oh ! then he's not married yet? 

Moo. No ; not till six this evening. 

Har. Six this evening ! that will do. Moony, thank j'ou. 

Moo. Och, murder, what have I done ! have I been standing with 
my head under the pump all this time? 

Har. You were too prudent for me, ]\Ioony ! (Laughs. 

Moo. . I was about as prudent sxh Kory Hooligan's sister, who bolted 
her door with^a boiled carrot. 

JIar, Ha ! ha ! poor Moony ; I was too much for you. 

3Ioo. Troth, I can't fight against you ; it's no use trying. I think 
your face is made of ii fiddle, it makes everybodj' merry. 

Jin: Well, then, who is the lady ? "What's her birth, parentage, 
and education — parlor or kitchen bred? 

Moo. Och sure, slie's a born lady ; none of your draggle-tail dairy- 
maids. He's as proud of her as a gardener's dog with a nosegay tied 
to his tail. 

JIar. Is she in the house? Can I see her? 

Moo. Deed then, I dar'u't tell no more. (Miss Longclackit .speaks 
lollhoxd.) But here comes a lady Avho can speak. 

Har. A lady? 

Moo. Yen ; one who will talk as much as you like, and more ; in 
the matter of words, she's as liberal as the tailor who sewed for noth- 
ing and found the thread himself. (Exit c. 

JIar. Eh! what if this should be my future aunt? Egad! that 
dress looks very like it. 

Elder Miss Longclackit, s.e.u., in a wedding dress. 

Miss L. (Aside.) So, so ; the nephew arrived. This I suppose 
is he. (Aloud.) Mr. Harry Eiugdove, I presume. 



IG THE ErXGDOVEiS. 



Ilcr. At your service, uia'aiu. 

( ^[l>tion.■i to Haruy lo br'uig chairs — ihey sit. 

Miss L. (r.) Piinlou the liljerty I take as ii stranger, iu in'eseut- 
iiig myself without au introductiou ; but I aui a wimiau of few words 
— biisiuess is business, and as I say on sucli occasious, ceremony is 
misplaced. I am charged with tlie embarrassing task, of breaking to 
you a secret, with which your uncle ouglit long ago to have made you 
acquainted. 

//'.()•. (L.) Pray, madam, spare yourself the delicate coufessiou 
you aUude to. 1 know all ; it is of my uncle's intended marriage you 
would speak. 

J//,ss L. Oh, M'hat then, he has told you has he ? Come, that's a 
weight off my mind, and off his too, poor dear old man. He's very 
fond of you, Mr. Harry, and I trust you will not endeavor, either by 
word or deed, to mar his happiness. 

liar. Oh, madam, certainly I— 

Miss L. No, of course not -of course not ; mind I never thought 
you would, only it's as well to understand things as I say ut once, 
and if you were to attempt iuiy thing of tlie sort, I tell you plainly, 
I'm a woman of few words, and I should consider myself entitled to 
call you to account. 

Hai: . (Aside. ) She seems a good sort of woman enough. (Alorid. ) 
Why, madam, since candor is tlie order of the day, I may venture to 
confess that the lirst news of any uncle's marrying at his time of life, 
did fill me with indignation. It was natural enough, I feared some 
ridiculous ill-assorted jnatch ; but mIicu I find the object of his affec- 
tion so suitable, I at once banish every selfish feeling, and determine 
to do all ia my power to promote his views. 

Miss L. Spoken like an uffecLionate boy. (Aside.) So far my 
fears are afc rest, at all events. 

]l(r. Had he now fallen in love witli some bread-and-butter miss, 
young enough to l)e his daughter, I'd have worked him to an oil ; but 
with a companion for his old age, one whose qualities have been 
matured and confirmed by time and experience, 1 feel he has every 
chance of happiness. 

J/(s.s L. ( Aside. ) AVIiat is he talking about ? 

Har. But iu thus approvuig of my uncle's choice, I trust, on j'our 
part, you will not attempt to change his affectionate iuteutious to- 
wards me. 

Miss L. Good heavens ! Why surely he never imagines 

Har. To see him happy is tlie first wisl; of my heart, madam, I 
will look upon you as a mother ! 

Miss L. (liisbuj. ) aiother ! Really, sir ! 

ILtr. (CitoUy.) Yes, really! and iu spite of my natural desire 
that mj' uncle should not marry, when I sej before me so respectable 
au aunt, all my fears vanish at once. 

Miss L. (Aside. ) Here's au embarrassing mistake ! and if I uu- 



THE KINGDOVES. 17 

deceive L'.-.u. l.I . iuflueuce over Sir Harry might break off the matcli. 

( Goes up. 
Ilitr. (Aside.) Poor infatuated uucle ! mIio would ever have ex- 
pected this ? 

Elder Sir IIaeuy, s.e.l. ; Miss Longclackit remains a Uille at hack. 

Siv IF. "Well, Hariy, my boy ! here'a the letter, and — (aside) — Miss 
Longclackit ! 

Ilai: ( Holding Old his hand. ) My poor dear old imcle. I 

Siv IL Bless me ! what's the iDatter ? 

Har. ( TaJciiKj /am on one side.) I've heard of your accident. 

Sir IL What accident ? 

Jlar. Hush ! 

3Iiss L. (Aside.) I hope Sir Harry will keep up the delusion. 

■ i\'oiis. 

Sir II. (Aside.) Hang me if I know what they mean. 

liar. Only one questiou ; are you certain of happiuesb'. 

Sir II. Am I certain of 

liar. (Points to Miss Longci^ackit. ) Hush ! she's here ! 

(Miss Longclackit makes signs to him. 

Sir IL Yes, quite certain ! 

Har. Then, I give iiiy consent. Nay I have had an interview 
■with your bride elect, and I cannot but allow that she appears a suit- 
able match. 

Sir IL Is it possible ! You have taken i load off my mind, for to 
tell you the truth, I was afraid you would object to the age of my In- 
tended. 

Har. Not at all ; if she be a few years youuger than yourself, it is 
better than the other side. 

Miss L. (Aside.) A few years indeed ! a few dozen ! 

Sir II. Ah ! you wag, you will have your joke. 

x''ar. Besides, who knows but you may have known her formerly 
— only the renewal of some youthful passion, I warrant. 

(Nudging him. 

Sir IL (Aside. ) Hang me if I know M'liat he's driving at ! 

Har. She must have been very pretty, and when one looks atten- 
livelj' 

Sir IL Where ? looks where ? 

Har. There, as you just catch her profile, she reallj' is 

Si}' 77. Oh— yes— she, as you saj', profile — (Aside.) Mercy on 
me ! 

Har. But speak to her ; it looks so odd our whispering together. 

Sir IL Certainly! (Aside.) Here's a dilemma ! My dear— my 
dear madam! (Miss Longclackit comes dua-n c. ) It appears you 
have informed my nephew 

31iss L. (c.) Yes, my dear sir, chance brought it about ; and so 
ns I say, I thought it better to tell him the whole truth, in few words 
at once, and so save the trouble of breaking it to bim ; and the man- 



18 THE r.INGDOVES. 

uer iu which the dear boy received the iutelligeuce, shows how right 
I was to do so. 

Sir JL (R.) Quite right, indeed ! (Aside.) An excellent strata- 
gem ! Oh, Harrj', if you kuew ouly half our bliss ! You don't know 
the aunt I'm going to give you. iShe's a love — an angel ! (Kissea 
her hand— aside. ) I'd as soon kiss the prongs of a harrow. 

Miss L. (Aside.) What a pity I'nx only a proxy ! 

JLir. (Ij., aside.) Au angel! It's as well he should think so. 
(Moony pefps in c.) Come along, my fine fellow, no more mystery. 
The important secret is disclosed, and we all understand each other 
perfectly. 

Moo. Good luck to yoii then, you are just iu time ; for Mr. Sur- 
plice, the parson, will be here directly, and I'm just going to tell the 
bride. 

(Goes to S.E.E. ; IMiss Longclackit cmd Sir Hakrt make signs 
to him. 

Ifiss L. Bless the man ! is he blind ? don't you see me here ? 

Moo. You, ma'am? 

Sir H. Of course. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well done. Moony. (Aside to 
him. ) Fool be quiet ! 

Moo. Fool ! Sure I don't mean you, ma'am ; I mean the young 
lady. 

Sir II. You blundering dog, get out. 

Moo. Och, murder ! have I put my foot iu it again? (E.xit e. 

liar. (Aside.) Eh ! what do I hear — aj'ounglady? 

Sir II. Well, Harry, the only drawback to this day's happiness 
now, is the idea of your not being present at the ceremony, 

liar. Not present, my dear uncle ! I would not be absent for the 
world. 

Sir II, My dear boy, consider, if Messrs. Dabble, Smash, and Co. 
should have stopped before you arrive, think of the loss of my five 
thousand pounds. 

liar. Five thousand ! why 3'ou said nine thousand. 

Sir H, Was it nine? True, — a reason for still greater despatch ; 
here are your credentials. ( Gives a letter. 

Har. Well, then, I'll not lose an instant. ( Going up c.) Good 
bj'e, my dear uncle and aunt, for a short time. I'm off at once. 
(Aside.) Not one peg do I stir till I've found the key to this mys- 
tery. (Exit c, without his hat. 

Sir II. Pheugh ! he is gone at last. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Jliss L. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

lie-enter HAitRY c, hasVdij ; they check themselves. 

Har. My hat, my hut! (Takes up his hat and going c, ) Once 
more, good bye. (Aside.) They were laughing at me ; I thought 
as mucli ; but let them dread the vengeance of an ill-used nephew. 

(Exit c. 

Sir 11. How he frightened me ! I felt ?.s if I had picked a pocket. 



THE RINGDOVES. 19 

Miss L, Never mimi we've got rid of bini for a time, at all events. 

Sir II. I'll not be a moment ; all obstacles are now removed, and, 
in an hour's time, I shall be the happiest fellow alive. (Exit .s e.l. 

3Ilss L. Upon my word it has required some skillful raaucBiivring 
to bring matters right. Stupid old man ! I've no patience with him, 
and if it wasn't for his mouej', I wouldn't tolerate him a moment. 
"Why didn't he bring xip his nephew as I have my niece. Ohildreu 
have no right to a will of their own, they should be seen, not heard. 
My Cissj', like her mother, grandmother and great-graudmother, be- 
fore her — but time flies. 

Enter Cecilia, in bridal costume, s.e.k. 

Miss L. Very nice indeed, have you been very impatient, dear? 

Cec. No, aunt. 

Miss L. (L. ) Good girl ; you have selected the flowers for the 
bouquet ? 

Cec. (R.) Yes, aunt. 

Miss L. Then I'll just go and tie them up. Stay here till I come 
back. 

Cec. Yes, aunt. 

Miss L, Stop though. I'm in suck a bustle. Moony ! have you 
seen Moony? 

Cec. No, aunt. 

Miss L. Moony ! 

Enter Moony, r. 

Miss L. Let me know the moment Sir Harry is ready, and do 
hurry him, there's a good soul ; ah, you want me to look after you 
all ; you're a happy girl, Cissy. 

Cec. Yes, aunt. 

Miss L. Yon are a darling sweet obedient child, never chattering. 
No Mill but that of your parents ; but like your aunt a person of few 
words, and like your mother, grandmother, and — bless me I'm for- 
getting the flowers. (Exit s.e.e. 

Moo. Poor young lady, there's not much chance of her chattering, 
while that parched pea of au aunt is popping about her. 

(Moony going j,., first crossing heJdiul. 

Cec. Moony ! 

(Looks quickbj round, peeps through door r., and beckons him 
to her. 

Moo. She's making signals sure, is she dumb in earnest? 

Cec. Moony, (as rapidly as possible) I want to say a word to you. 
Moony ; come here quick and listen with all your ears, for I haven't 
a moment to lose, and what I have to say is of vital importance. 
Moony, I throw myself on your mercy, I am sacrificed, I am ii victim ; 
but there's no time to tell you my sorrows now — only one question, 
iinswer me quickly, or it may be too late. I heard a voice in this 
room, not a moment ago, tell me, oh ! tell me, did my ears deceive 



THE EINGD0VE3, 



iiie, or was it he — my guardiau augel — iiij' life — my love — come to 
snatch me Iroiii the gulf of despair, iuto which I am about to be pre- 
cipitated — quick— quick. 

Jl/bo. Stop, stop— don't go pouring the words iuto me that woy, 
like bullets out of a steam-guu, or you'll crack the tenpeuuy of my 
ear — dumb did I say ! 

Oec. Hush ! uot so loud ; let me see that all's safe, 

(Buns io tlie dooi' k., peeps in ; Moony to ilie oilier i.. 

Enter Hakry, c. 

Moo. A chip of the old block, I fiud. 

JIar. Moouy ! 

J\[oo. (L.) Mr. Harry! 

Ccc. (n. ) Harry ! 

liar, (c.) Cecilia ! you here ! "What does this mean ? 

il/bo. (Aside.) It means that there is going to be a row, shtire ! 

Cec. Oh, Harry ! Harry, you have fallen from the clouds, I know 
uot how to tell you, the time is short, you must save me ; Moouy keep 
Match, there's a dear Moouy — you remember my abrupt departure 
from Harrowgate — no time even to let you know of it — no means of 
even sending you a line. I was sent for home at an hour's notice by 
mj' aunt, Miss Longclackit. 

liar. Miss Longclackit j'our aunt? 

Cec. Hold your tongue, dear Harry ; indeed there's no time for 
questions. 

liar. Good heavens ! your aunt going to marry my uncle. 

Cec. Nonsense ! 

liar. Well, but 

Cec. Now, dearest Harrj', if you love me. (Puis her hand on his 
mouth. ) There no getting in a Mord for you, I declare. I could cry. 
On reaching home, I found, that an offer had been made for my hand 
in marriage ; conceive my joy at hearing the name of Harry Eing- 
dove. 

liar. What do I hear ! are yoii then 

Cec. Hush ! now do — you luust — concealing my rapture from my 
severe aunt, for I dared not confess that we had so often met without 
her knowledge, I joyfully set out with her to make the acquaintance 
of mj' future husband. How my heart beat, as I entered this house, 
now nearly a month ago ! I listened for your well-known elastic step, 
and when instead of my own Hiirry I saw your uncle hobble out to 
meet me — need I say, I fell fainting into the arms of my aunt. 

liar. So then, the nnirder's out ; I knew I was deceived. Cour- 
age my dearest Cecilia— courage ! You are not married yet, audit 
sliall be my fault now if j'ou become the wife of another ; but the 
moments are precious, run to your aunt — delay her as much as possi- 
ble, and be sure you let no change of manner awaken her suspicions. 

Cec. Dear Harry, I said you were my guardiau angel ; I'll ruu to 



THE EINGDOVES. 'Ji 

her immediately, auil tired as I am of acting the hateful imrt of a 
hypocrite, I will agaiu put a chain on my tongue. 

Ihr. Do, do. 

Cec. But I warn you, Harry, when once at libertj', I expect iu re- 
turn, to have the first twelve months' talk all to myself. 

liar. With all my heart, but you are anticipating your first quar- 
ter's allowance ; close those pretty lips, or I shall be obliged to seal 
them up myself. 

Cec. There, I have done, I trust all to you. Oh, how different 
are my feelings at this moment, to what they were an hour ago. All 
hope then had vanished, and now — oh ! dear me, I could jump over 

the moon with joy ! and 

( Checks herself at a sign from Hakey, and walks demnrehj into 
Iter aunt's room, s.e.e. 

ILn: There's no time for deliberation. A plan has already flashed 
across my brain, 'tis a romantic one ; bat, with skill, may be accom- 
plished. Moony ! 

Moo, Your honor ! 

JIar. (R.) "Were you ever in love ? 

Moo. (L. ) Never. 

Jlur, Were you ever in debt ? 

Moo. Often, 

JIar. Then you know the value of money ? 

Moo. Don't I ! I have a good estate myself, only the right owner 
keeps me out of it. 

■Har. Were you ever at school ? 

Moo. I was, sir, but I didn't bite on to learning — it is not every 
man's nose that will make a shoeing-horn. 

JIar. You can read at any rate ? 

Moo. Is it read? I believe you; haven't I read Scores of books, 
whether I could or no, full of words as hard as flint stones. 

JIar. Look at this note. 

Moo. It's a fifty pounder, bless it's good-looking countenance ! 

JIar. What do you think of it ? 

3Ioo. I think it's better to have than to hear of, any day. 

JIar, Do everything I bid you for the next hour, and it's yours. 

3Joo. It's too good an ofi"er to say no to. I'm not the man to put 
whiskey in a pitcher and throw stones at it. 

JIar. Transfer your fidelity from uncle to nephew. 

3Ioo. And if he turns me out of his service ? 

JIar. I will take you into mine. 

Moo. That's enough ; he has brought it on himself. I have ad- 
vised him long enough ; but you may as well try to swallow Loudon, 
and wash it down with the Thames, as convince him. 

JIar. Where is he ? 

Moo. In his dressing-room, making himself as spruce as an onion 
for the wedding. 

Har. You have free access to that room at all times? 



22 THE RINGDOVES. 

3foo. In and out like a dog iu a fair. 

JIar. Good. Now tell me Las Sir Harry received any letter to-day 
fr<nii Loudon ? 

J/oo. Devil a one, nor this week. 

//(()-. That will do ; get me pen, ink, and paper, and a secret cor- 
ner to write iu. 

Moo. I'll do that same. Hurrah ! I said you were the boy ; the 
ould auut Avill cry her eyes out, aud to see her do that would be as 
great a pity as to see a goose go barefoot. 

Hur. Now then, to execute my plau ; siuce deceit is the order of 
the day, good uncle of miue, any stratagem is justifiable. My wits 
against yours ; so come along. Moony ; uo more talking, but let's to 
work. (Exit It. 

Moo. Ay, ay, sir, I know ; talk's only talk, but it's the duck lays 
the eggs. Philaloo ! but there'll be a row. (Rtit B. 

Elder Sir Harry, /ro"i his room, s.e.l. 

Sir H. Five minutes more, and I shall be the husband of one of 
the sweetest girls in Christendom. Now am I au old fool, or am I 
not? time only can show- -but what time have I? — pshaw! I'm only 
sixtj', and I may live to be a hundred, for anything I know to the 
contrnry. The worst part of the afifair is the deceit practised upon 
poor Harry — he'll never forgive me, nor shall I myself ; it is all that 
odious Miss Longclackit's fault. If ever I hated a woman on earth ! 
If ever I — but it's useless to think about it ; the mischiefs done ; he 
is at this moment half way to London ; the time is arrived for the 
ceremonj', aud nothing now can prevent my happiness, but 

Enter Moony, b., idlh a letter. 

Moo. A letter. 

Sir II. No letters to-day, Moony, my boy ; this is a day of pleasure, 
and all letters may go to Jericho ! 

Moo. But this is of the greatest importance. 

Sir IL It must wait till after the ceremony has taken place. 

Moo. It's my way of thinking, if you read it, the ceremony never 
will take place. 

Sir II. Moony, what do j'ou mean! (Snatches the letter.) "Who 
is it from ? 

Moo. From Mr. Harry — a man on horseback brought it from the 
village, galloped all the way, and came iu steaming like a dish of hot 
potatoes. 

Sir H. "Private and immediate." "My dearest uncle, as you 
value your future happiness, ride over here as quickly as possible. I 
have just obtained intelligence respecting your intended bride, that 
must prevent your marrying her, at least for the present — " Good 
heavens ! 

Moo. He bites like a hungry gudgeon. 

Sir II. "I will MTvit at the Stag's Head inn" — the Stag's Head! 



THK KINGDOVKS. 23 

I tremble all over — "till your arrival. Breathe uot a word to any 
living soul, but join me iiumediatel^'. Your aflfectioiiate nephew." 
Jile.ss luy youl ! what shall I do? some dreadful calamity awaits me. 
Moony, come here, listen to me. Business of vital importance calls 
me to the village inn. 

Jloo. The Stag's Head ? 

Sir II. ( Wincbig.) Yes, the Stag's Head. Now, the distance be- 
ing little more than a mile, I can mount the horse of the man who 
brought this letter, in half an hour gallop there and back ; and if j 
yon manage matters skilfully here, no one need even suspect my ab- 
sence. 

J/oo. I'm awake ; he that has only one eye, still he sees the better 
for it— in course I'm to let the ladies know you're gone? 

Sir II. Not for your life ! 

3foo. Och ! it'.s well you told me that ; they shall remain in their 
native ignorance for me then. 

Sir H. Now my faithful Moony, manage to avert their suspicion 
till my return ; and I'll make you a present of twenty pounds for your 
cleverness. 

Moo. It's a bargain. 

Sir H. Go then, and contrive to get the liorse to the park gate, 
without any one seeing you, and I will join you there. 

Moo. (Aside.) We'll succeed, or we'll give him a fright any 
Low ; a blow from a frying-pan blacks one, though it mayn't hurt. 

(Exit Moony, b. 

Sir T£. Now then to sift this mysteriou."? affair. Pheugh ! if the 
troubles and anxieties I have endured this morning, be a fore -taste of 
the pleasures of wedlock, I shall certainly die of joy before the end of 
the first week. (Exit hastily, s.e.l., on seeing Miss Longclackit. 

Enter Miss Longclackit, s.'E.-R.,folloiDed hy Cecilia. 

Miss L. Sir Harry, Sir Harr}', the clock is striking six ! Bless 
the man, how he ran out of the room ! what a singular old gentle- 
man ! I hope all is safe with him. I declare I feel uneasy, for posi- 
tively I do think he avoided me — there's a cheerfulness about my 
niece too, that — Here Moony ! I'll have a few words with him. 

Enter Mookt, e. 

Miss L. Six o'clock. Moony, I hope your master's ready ? 

( Crosses to c. 

Moo. (e.) For the wedding? Och, ready enough, no fear. He 
is in as great a hurry as Tim Fogarty, who eat his breakfast over- 
night to save time in the morning. 

Miss L. (c. ) Where is he gone ? Why doesn't he come ? 

Moo. Is it where is he gone, or why doesn't he come you'd be 
asking? 

Miss L. (Aside.) He is confused. Moony look me in tho face. 

Moo. I do. 



'24 THE IIINGDOVES. 

3iiss L. Will the nmriiage tiike place to-day ? — no prevaricatiou. 

Moo. Take place ! is it take place you meau ? 

Miss L. You ore pievaricatiug. 

Moo. I prevaricatiug ! How can I, when I don't even know the 
meaning of the term. 

Miss L. I am a woman of few words ; can you answer a plain 
question ? 

Moo. Depends upon circumstances. 

Miss L. There's only one way. Is that a ten-pound note ? 

Moo. It is. 

Miss L. If the ceremony be concluded, and my niece bear the 
name of Ringdove, in a quarter of an hour, that note is yours. 

Moo. The name of Ringdove ! It's as good as in my pocket. 

Miss L. I'd have given ten times the sum for that assurance. 

Moo. Wliy didn't you say so ? you should have had it at the price. 

Miss L. Then Cecilia, the happj' moment is at hand ; but where's 
your bouquet? Poor girl, you can't remember anything in the midst 
of your rapture. Ah ! it's well you have your aunty to look after you. 

(Exit S.E.B. 

Cec. Rapture, indeed! Moony, (very quickly) my aunt has 
promised you ten pounds if I am married in a quarter of an hour? 

Moo. No, if you bear the name of Riugdove. 

Cec. The same thing. Prevent my becoming Sir Harry's wife, 
and I'll give you double that sum. 

Moo. I'll take it, (Aside. ) I shall get money from everybody at 
this wedding. 

Be-enter Miss Longclackit, s.e.k., icith bouquet. 

3Uss L. Here it is, dear, give me your hand ; and now take ex- 
ample by your mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother before 
you ; suppress your emotion, raise your he:\d, drop your eyes, and 
follow me. (Aside.) Moony, don't forget, ten ! (Going up c. 

Moo. Never fear me, ma'am. 

Cec. (Aside.) Moony, remember twentj'. (Gowrjupc 

Moo. You may take your oath of it. (Miss Longclackit and 
Cecilia, exeunt c.) Trade looks np ; och, murder, if I had but kept 
a little knowledge of arithmetic by me, sure I've forgotten more than 
most people ever knew. Let's see, it's only addition I'm thinking, 
fifty pounds from the nephew to get the imcle out of the way — twenty 
from the uncle to assist him in falling into the nephew's scheme ; 
that's seventy ; ten from the aunt, if the niece bears the name of 
Ringdove in a quarter of an hour, that's eighty ; and twenty from the 
niece if I prevent her from becoming Sir Harry's wife, just makes np 
one hundred pounds ; now, if I can manage all this, I shall have got 
through my work well— like Terrauce Doherty, the glazier, when he 
fell through the skylight. (Exit c. 

air H. ( Wiihoid t.. ) Moony ! Moony ! where are you all, where 
are the unworthy impostors ? 



THE EINGDOVUS. 



i^ider JSiii Haeey, s.e.l. 



Sir II. Scaiulalons, barefaced imposition. Oil, HaiT^, Harry what 
a situation 1 sliould have been in at this luomeiit, but for you. How 
Inclvy I determined to go (o the Stag's Head before the ceremony! let 
)ue wee the letter again ; "Sly dear uncle, fearing that the slightest 
delay might be fatal to your interests, iu the tiflfair of Dabble, Smash, 
& Co., I relinquish my intention of waiting your arrival here. Pre- 
pM-e yourself for a severe blow ; yon would have deceived nie, but, 
alas, you have deceived yourself ; your intended wife is already mar- 
ried to another !" A pretty discovery — execrable Longclackit, not 
unjustly did I hate you— but my vengeuce shall be terrible— Moony ! 

Enter Moony, c. 

3[oo. Your honor! (Aside.) He looks as angry as if he was 
vexed. (Aloud. ) Ah ! good luck to me, I'm happy to see your 
honor back, for I couldn't have kept them ignorant much longer, and 
then I'd have lost the twenty pounds your honor's liberality promised 
me. 

Sir II. True, there. (Gives tiioney.) Now, send Miss Long- 
clackit to me instantly. 

Moo. I've nailed twenty to begin with, at all events, if I get no 
more ;— only one meal a day is better than a thump on the back with 
a stone. (E.i:it Moony, c. 

Sir II. Now for it, I must behave with diguitj', the lo^er is gone, 
the magistrate remains. 

Elder SIiss Longclackit and BIoony, c. 

Miss L. (r.c.) I shall go wild with delight, I quite trembled lest 
it should never come to pass ; there, my faithful Moony, you see I'm 
as good as my word, all my anxiety is now at an end. ( Gives him 
money.) There! 

3Ioo. And ten makes thirty ; long life to you, ma'am, that's about 
the last I'll ever get from her. So when the shoulder of mutton's go- 
ing it's as well to take a slice. (ExU MooNY, K. 

S'r II. (L.c. ) Madam, your obedient servant ! 

Miss L. Eh ! bless me, how you frightened me, what, have yoir 
leit Cecilia ? 

Sir II. For ever ! 

Miss L. Sir Harry— whj'- — • 

Sir II. Vile imposter, that you are— dare you look me iu the face, 
after* your atrocious conduct? 

Miss L. Sir Harry, a few words — 

Sir II. Silence, woman, and tremble! I know all — your niece— 
your qniot— demure saint Cecilia— is— and you know it 

Miss L. Mercy ou me — what ? 

(Sic II. Married, madam, married ! 



26 THli EINODoVEP:. 



Miss L. Well, and what then ? 

Sir 11. Whiit then ? 

Miss L. Was it not to add to your happiness ! 

Sir H. Add to my happiness, patience befriend me ! and you 
coolly, knowing her to be already married, have the impudence to 
come to me and 

Miss L. Impudence ! Sir Harry ! I can beax as much as most 
females, but I cannot refrain from putting in a few words. Have 
you not raised heaven and earth, to bring about a match with my 
niece? have I not worked for you heart and soul, contending against 
her evident aversion to you? 

Sir IT. Eh ! avt-rsion ! Yv'hat's this I hear? 

Miss L. Wiieu I say — that is — uaj', since it has slipp'd out, I will 
not deny it, I reijeat— her aversion to you. 

Sir IL So, so ; another timely discovery. 

Miss L. And now that I have brought all this about for you, now 
that you are married ! 

*S'»- H. Not yet— not yet — thank Heaven ! 

Miss L. Not yet ! Why, what does the creature mean ? 

Sir IL No, uo ; to commit matrimony is rash enough ; but with 
open eyes to commit bigamy ! 

Miss L. I shall faint— my poor Cecilia ! Have you then another 
wife ? 

Sir II. Eh ! no, uo ; I don't mean bigamj', I mean — hang me if I 
know what. I mean — to marry a married woman ! 

Miss L. ■ A married woman ! Cecilia ? absurd 

Sir II. Absurd ! Why didn't you admit it yourself, and ask me 
calml}', what then? 

Miss L. Don't be ridiculous. Sir Harry ; you know I alluded to 
no other husband than yourself. 

Sir H. Don't attenipt to prevaricate, madam, nor hope that I ever 
will make her my wife. 

Miss L. Ever will — why haven't you? Did not Mr. Surplice 
join your hands before us all, not two minutes ago, iu the drawing- 
room ? 

Sir II. You'll tell me next, I am in the drawing-room at this very 
moment. 

Miss L. It's uo use talking to you, I see. Moony ! 

Elder Moont, c. 

Miss L. Send my niece to me immediately ! 

Moo. She is iu the drawing-room with Sir Harrj' — Och, murder ! 
what's that? master of mine how you frightened me. 

Sir H. What does the booby mean ? Why don't you do as you 
are bid ? 

Moo. Sure I'm going; how ever did you manage to get here? 
(Looks off c.) Miss Cecilia, you are wanted, if you please. 



THE RINGDOVES 27 



Elder Ceuii.ia, c. 



Ci'C. (u.c.) Denr gooti faithful Jlooiiy ; there, tike the twenty 
l)ouui1s I iiromised 3011, ami u thonsaud blessings iuto the bargain, 
but, Imsh ! ( Walks down demnrehj. 

Moo. You're an angel, miss, and twenty is fifty. ( Kx,'d c. 

L\c. Did you send lor me, aunt? Law, Sir Harr)', how you 
frightened me? 

Ulr H. I seem to frighten all the family ! { 

Cec. How could you manage to get here ? 

Sir H. What do you mean ? 

Cec. "Why, I quitted von this moment in the drawing-room. 

Sir H. 1 ! I have never left this spot ! 

Cec. Oh, fie, naughty man ! didn't you give me a kiss, and call 
me your dear, darling little wife? 

Sir 11. Fire and fury ! let this foolery have an end. Moony ! 

Elder Moonv, c. 

Moo. (L.) Och, murder! There you are again ! 

tiir II. I shall go mad ; come here ! 

Moo. Here, you are not here ; you're in the drawing-room. ( Go' 
h\fj }ip c.) I'll go and see once more. 

Sir II. Nonsense ! ( Cal'.buj. ) Moony ! 

liar. ( Wilhbi , calls. ) Moony! ( All stand usionished. 

Sir II. AVliat voice Mas that ? (Cecilia peeps through c. doors. 

liar. (Wiildn.J What voice was that ? 

Cec. Eh, do I see clear? — yes, here comes my real husband. 

( Ex.il Cecilia, c. 

Jiliss L, Her real husband, am I on my head or my heels ? 

Sir II. Her real husband — oh, oh ! this madam you did not ex- 
pect. Now comes my triumph ! throw open the folding doors Moouj', 
and usher them in. (Moony ihroics open c, doors. 

Enter Cecilia and Haeky, icho is dressed as a facsimile of Sir Habby. 

Tableau. 

Sir H. (L.) What do I see? 

Har. (E.G.) What do I see? 

*S'/)' 11. Can I believe my eyes I 

Har. Can I believe my eyes 1 

Cec. (c, to Haeuy.) Dear husbaml, defend me from that impos- 
tor. 

Miss L. (R.) I was sure he was a swindler from the first. 

.Sir //. ( To Mtss L. ) Silence, woman ! 

liar. Silence, man ! this is the most impudent attempt I ever wit- 
nessed. Know, fellow, that I am a magistrate, aud instantly shall 
give orders to have you secured. Jloony ! 

Moo. (L.C. ) Your honor! 



28 THE KINGDOVES. 



Sir if.* Wli}', Moouy, surely — (Kicks him back.^ 

liar. Sileuce, rascal ! 

Moo, (To Sir Haeky.J Honltl jour tougue, von terrible ould 
sinner. 

liar. I'll step into my room and sign his niittinuis. Farewell, 
ladies, for a short time. 

Sir II. Ay, ay, for a short time, shorter than yon reckon upon ; 
we shall soon see who is the impostor. 

Har. We shall soou see who is the imjiostor. 

Sir II. Farewell ! 

Har. Fare\?ell ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! a month at the treadmill, that's 
all. (Exit K. 

(Sir JI. (Aside. ) A month at the treadmill. Ha ! ha ! ha ! hang 
me, if this does not surpass all I ever heard of, that execrable Loug- 
clackit is somehow worked up in the business. If ever I hated a wo- 
man ! — but no matter. 

Hiss L. Now, my good man, I am a woman of few words, but 
say what I mean ; and I will give you a piece of advice ! 

Sir H. One moment— that one of us is an impostor is evident, but 
before I am condeumed, let me, at least, have a chance of proving my 
innocence. 

Miss L. Well, sir, ridiculous as the contest must be between a 
detected impostor, and a person of Sir Harry's acknowledged position 
iu the county — between a swindler and a magistrate, I am ready to 
listen to a few -words. 

Sir II. I will just take the liberty of locking this door, to prevent 
the intrusion of my double. 

(Locks c. door ; Miss Longclackit leads Cecilia 'o^s.e.k. 

Moo. That is but fair ; a fox shouldn't be one of the jury at a 
goose's trial. 

Sir II. (c.) First, then, madam, a word with my servant, w^hicb, 
perhaps, may save all further trouble. Moony, come here ! 

Moo. (i,. ) What's the matter, ould gentleman ? 

Sir II. Look me well in the face. 

Moo. I do ; and devil an uglier one I ever see. 

Sir II. I'll break your head, you rascal, if you are impertinent ; 
am I not your master, Sir Harry Bingdove? 

3Ioo. Och, murder! you my master? Be quiet wid j'ou ; what's 
the use of trying it on? everybody sees through you ; and when all 
men agree that you're an ass, it's time to braj'. 

Sir JI. Mooiiy ! 

Moo. Do you think I don't know my dear, kind, timid, ould mas- 
ter, from such an angry, swaggering, noisy, curmudgeon as you? 
You'd better take a dagger, and drown yourself at once. 

Sir II. Zounds .ind tbe devil ! perhaps these letters may nssist me 
better. (Gives Vtem.) They are from my nephew, madam; my 
much injured nephew. 



THE RINGDOVES. 29 

3Ilss L. (i!.) Tliese nre not .written by the uepliew of Sir Hurry 
lliugdove. 

»S)r //. No, dou't I know the hand of my own boj'. 

Miss L. Your own boy — the man who would dare to present him- 
self in so impudent a manner, wouUl not hesitate to counterfeit a 
couple of letters. 

Sir IT. Egad, they'll want to hang me for forgerj' next ! Moony, 
didn't yoa give me one yourself? 

Moo. I? — he'll lie through a two-inch deal board. 

3Iiss L. I am quite sure that Sir. Hurry Kingdove wond not have 
stooped to so paltry a fabrication as this imputed marriage. Poor 
Cecilia! she marry, indeed, without my consent! It is plain you 
never could have known her, her mother, or her grandmother, or 

Sir 11. I give it up. I'm justly punished for my duplicitj'. For 
that unworthy girl's sake have I sacrificed my dear Harry, the noblest 
of nephews ; poor kind old Mrs. Coddlepate, the most devoted of 
housekeepers ; given up snuii"— left off smoking — cut off' my pigtail ! 
But what's to be done? to be robbed of my name — my person — my 
identity ! will no one speak for me? Oh ! Harry, Harry — what would 
I not give to have you here ! 

Enler IIaeey, is his own dress, u. 

Jlur. What would you give, governor? (Gross to Sir Haeev, c. 

Sir 21. (c. ) There — there — he owns me — I am in my senses after 
all. 

liar. (E.G.) You're going out of them I should saj'. What's the 
meaning of this joy ? any good news from Dabble, Smash, and Co. ? 

Sir IT. My dear Harry ! you're just iu time to save me, x^erhaps 
from a horse-pond. 

Il'tr. My dear uncle ! 

3Iiss L. (E.-) One question, Mr. Harry Kingdove, are these your 
letters? 

liar. Madam, they are. 

Miss L. How! do you dare to insinuate that mj' niece has any 
other husband than your uncle Sir Harry Ringdove ! 

ILu-. I do, madam, and will prove it if necessary. 

Sir II. There— there— I triumph? your proof, Harry, my boy — 
your proof! 

IJar. I have it in my pocket. 

i1fi.s-.s- L. What can he mean !— what is your proof? 

ILir. Her marriage certificiite ! 

Sir II. ( To Miss LoNGcr.ACKiT. ; Poor Cecilia ! She marry with- 
out my consent indeed ! I dare say her mother, her grandmother, 
and her great-grandmother did f lie same ; but who is he ? — where is 
he? 

3foo. (L.) You just now locked him in the drawing-room. 

Sir II. Just as I suspected ! Come fortli, Hhou mirror of magis- 
trates ! bring iu your mittimus !— a month at the treadmill, that's all ! 



33 THIO RI^■GD()VE^i. 

Go llirow open the doors iv<,'iiiii, ^loouy, voii imsc:i1, iukI let ns see 
this i-edontable justice of the quonuii. 

(^MootiY unlocks doors c, ihvoics tlieni open. iJiscovers on (tnn- 
diuir, ir'Uli. Sill Harky's \dq, coat, hools. &<-., etc., on it. 

Sh- II. Eh! what.lo l.seeV 

Ilav. All tliat reniiiiiis of the late Sir Hairy Rinoilove. 

Sir U. (Sl(CiulsH!cea.st<UiieJ'oramom.eut.J Will aii^bod}' 

liar. I will. ( Crossfs to s.e.r., (ukI biinijs in Ceciija. ; My dear 
uucle, behold tlio fruits of deceit ! Tliis is tlie j otiug lady I spoke to 
you of this UKUinng. I told you I loved her — you advised me to 
marry her ; it seems you loved her also, which I knew not ; by an 
uu worthy Btratagem, you tried to get rid of me. Can you blame me 
for adopting it iii my turn to get rid of you ? You failed — I succeeded ; 
and at the precise moment you intended to favor lue by marrying 
Cecilia for me, I, presuuiiug ou my strong family resemblance, took 
the liberty of borrowing your suit of clothes, and saved you the 
trouble. 

SH II. (l.c.) You are very good ! 

Moo. (7,.) I'es, sir, you beat the bush, and Mr. Harry caught the 
bird, that's all. 

Miss L. (c.) Then the false Sir Harry was 

JIar. (E.C. ) Sir Harry's iiL'pliew, madam. 

,S7?- //. And your agreeable note iuforiniiig me that Cecilia was al- 
ready married — was only 

liar. The truth ; at the time you received that note she was al- 
rea<ly married to 

Cec. (E.;> Harry Ringdove. 

liar. ( to Miss "L. ; Would you like to look at the certificate ? 

(Ilandiucj tiie paper. 

Moo. And what's more, you C/oMissL. ; gave me ten pouudis to 
hurry the match. 

Miss L. I gavQ you ten pounds, ou condition that she • 

Moo. Bore the name of llingdove, and doesn't she? Put on your 
spectacles, and take another squint. 

Sir II. Well done, Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! you have fairly out-ma- 
uceuvred me! (Aside.) Thank Heaven! I'm rid of Lougclackit. 
Take her, my boy, and may you be happy. You shall be my heir ; 
everything I have is yours — wife and all. "What say you, madam, 
now ? 

Miss L. ( Fawuintihj. ) Certainly, if dear Sir Harry desires it. 

Sir H. I thought as" much ; (aside) -wanted my mane \', execrable 
Longflackit ! 

2Ioo. ( Aside lo Sir Ilw.jXY. ) I kiiev/ she only wanted to many 
the blacksmitli for the sake of the sparks. 

Sir II. Moony, you rascal, get me my old snuflf-box, and a cigar 
— do you hear ? 

liar. That's right, nunky. Can't you get your pigtail back again 'i 

Sir II. Ah, vou rogue ! But come, no more shall be said about it. 



THE RINGDOVES. SI 

Miss L. I beg your panlou— a few words must be said to explain 
my part in this business. Tlio fact is, 1 had set my heart ou a good 
matcli for my niece ; it was natural, you kuow. ( To Vie audience.) 
Allow me to ask here. Now, wasn't it? I'm sure there are those who 
will feel with ine, that it was very natural ; because her mother, her 
grandniotlier, siud 

Sir IL There— there that will do. 

Misfi L. I have done. I am a woman of few words, as you know; 
but, as I have stepped forward, I will just a.sk one question ; may we 
hope that you will, like myself, forgive their stratagems, and unite 
with me lu bestowiug your kind approbation upon the conduct of the 
Eiugdoves. 



Disposition of Chayaderft 



^llSS LONGCLACKIT. ;tj 



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55 16,000 Years Ago.- 

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HAPPY I 


lOUIlS COMPAF^ 


-> 


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